Somewhere in the middle

The latest "life project". It was worth it for the fresh eggs and because Sam LOVES the chickens!

Seasons come and go. Some are definitely more difficult than others. While some breeze by too quickly. I feel that we are somewhere in the middle, bogged down by everyday happenings that seem to steal my energy and sometimes my joy.
It's true that adding a child doesn't just add a little work, it multiplies the workload. Add a special needs child into the mix and it is exponentially greater. To complicate matters, our closest family members live 4+ hours away. We moved a little over a year ago (completely a God thing), but now I have zero friends. I am slowly getting to know a few people from church, but we live so far away that it complicates and slows that process. My days consist of caring for two completely dependent children all day everyday. Taking care of both our boys is what I imagine having twins to be like, except that one of the twins grows and develops more slowly and also weighs a lot more (this makes carrying him more exhausting). Zack has had quite a few extra life projects to complete lately. They have to get done. I am thankful that he can do them. But this means that breaks for me are non-existent. Zack is a phenomenal husband and father. He plays a very active role in our family and loves us all so well. I can't imagine I would be sane at this point without him. But because life has demanded more of his time lately, I feel that my exhaustion is growing faster than I can combat. I have heard it said that the hardest part of being a special needs parent is the lack of support. I find that to be absolutely true. In our case, we have some fantastic family members. The distance just can not be helped. I doubt that we could find the level of care we have found for Sam anywhere near our families. Making friends takes time. Even when we had friends in our old town, their lives were so consumed with other things (good things like fostering, having twins while being in graduate school, starting new jobs, etc.). Community is just so difficult to find. There is no easy answer to the place we find ourselves. Some days I don't know how I will make it, but a few things I do know: 1. God is our sustainer. 2. Both of our boys are so undeniably worth it! 3. Both of these boys are such gifts. I am thankful everyday that God gave them to us. 4. Hard does not mean that I regret it. It does not mean that it isn't worth it. It does not mean that I would change anything. It just means it is hard. 5. Honesty is not complaint. It is not weakness. It is just honesty.

In My Weakness

Sometimes you just have to splash in the puddles.

I haven't posted in a while. I am trying to get a new, more focused blog up and running. It's taking a while and I need some writing therapy. So, here I am again, raw...
Sam is doing really well in therapy. He loves his two speech therapists. He has recently started seeing an occupational therapist as well. He sees him one day a week, and I think he really likes him also. Words are beginning to work their way out of his mouth. He has started problem solving like crazy! We are thankful!
But like all Autism families I know of, we have our ups and our downs, our good days and bad, high seasons and low seasons.
Today was tending toward the lower. Sam was volatile this morning; this isn't uncommon especially when he has tummy issues. He didn't engage well at therapy. And we started talking about strategies to implement at home. The therapy practice we use is wonderful in that it is whole family focused. The therapists are kind and not at all condescending. BUT I know my weaknesses and they are in the areas we discussed this morning. I am not a natural at engaging with the world around me. I am an introspective introvert. My family still talks about how good I was at playing by myself as a child. I don't typically talk a lot. I don't excel at making up games to draw kids in. All of my imagination takes place inside my head. The energy it takes to get any of that out of my mouth is far more than I can describe. But these are the things Sam needs. And these things rest squarely on my shoulders. And I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I do not in any way, shape, or form blame Sam for any of this. I love him fiercely. If anything, I blame myself. This isn't a healthy perspective, but it happens. I also know that I am a good mother with many strengths, but I feel as though I am going to fail him. He deserves more. While I know this isn't true, it is sometimes hard to ignore. I am speaking from my place of weakness here. I am speaking truth about my feelings. Please don't share your platitudes with me. I will come through because I trust in Christ alone. In my weakness, He is shown strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."