Oh No She Didn't...or mlm faux pas

Facebook is a blessing and a curse for many reasons. We all know this, but we seem to deem the good as bearing more weight than the bad. At least, I do, for the time being. One of the things I have been frustrated with lately is the massive amounts of people marketing their mlm businesses on Facebook. I'm sure the network is a blessing for them, but it sure feels like a curse to me. Let me add a quick note here that I can still love and like people who do this even while being frustrated with all their sales pitches. I often just barely look at any of their posts anymore. This makes me sad because I'm sure I miss out on some good parts of their lives. But one incident in particular pushed me over the edge.
After we announced to the world that Sam is autistic, I got a message from an aquaintance (if you can call her that, I barely remember her from high school). This aquaintance wanted to sell me her product for Sam. While I'm sure her intentions were not evil, what I felt was extreme irritation towards her. She wanted to capitalize on my son's struggles! I get it; she believes in her product. But really what she did was absolutely tasteless. Don't you think I have researched just about everything possible to help Sam have a quality life? Don't you think I am capable as his mother to find the products we may or may not need? But no, you don't think. You obviously don't know me at all. I am just another dollar sign to you. This is exactly how your sales pitch came across to me. So no, I do not want your product!!!
I was much kinder than that. I simply stated that we have a local friend who sells this particular product. And that was the end of our conversation. Shortly thereafter, it was also the end of our online "friendship."
What I said was true. We do have a local friend who sells this product. She is actually the one testimonial I truly believe. She has been helped tremendously by her product, and I am thankful. But after researching, I do not believe these products are for my family. I do not believe they are one size fits all like they claim to be. And truthfully, we as a family prefer to avoid multi level marketing businesses.
So let this be something to consider if you are part of a mlm. Don't try to sell your product to someone you hardly know in the midst of their struggles. If we hadn't been in the midst of the fight for Sam (for his happiness, health, engagement...) for more than 2 years, her message would have really hurt me deeply. Just don't do that. Don't see people and their struggles as dollar signs. If you can't be supporting as just a friend without ulterior motives, leave them alone to struggle without you. Good friends who truly know you and truly believe in the product get a one time pass (even that is a bit dicey, but at least these friends care about more than the dollar sign). If good friends persist, they might not be such good friends (thankfully, I have not experienced this).  If you have to be an agressive seller, just be mindful of the suffering of others.

Crying

What makes me cry most?

I think Sam is wonderful! He is adorable and funny and affectionate and smart. He is a masterpiece created by God. So when I say that him being different does not make me cry, you shouldn't be surprised. The challenges that make life more difficult are so worth it when I look at Sam's smiling face or feel him cuddled in my lap (calm, secure, loved). My heart does ache over the challenges he faces. I wish with all my heart that I could make things easier for him. But I know he is tough. We all have battles to fight and obstacles to overcome. Autism just happens to make those a bit more difficult for Sam. However, I know his future is bright and full of hope! No, what makes me cry the most is food.
I feel like I am constantly walking a tight rope between letting him be hungry for a few hours because he only wants to eat junk and letting him eat the junk. As a whole, we are a pretty healthy eating family. I don't claim to be perfect, but we do limit processed foods and sugar. We try to incorporate many fruits and veggies and other lesser known healthy ingredients (lesser known to main stream American culture...bone broth, fermented foods, etc.). I work HARD to get Sam to eat as many nutrients as possible. And overall, he is quite healthy. But he is constantly changing and refusing the healthy foods I have been relying on to fill him with missing nutrients. I am constantly having to be more creative than I have the capacity for. I often find myself in tears crying out to God for wisdom and help. I often find myself in tears because Sam won't eat anything except chips and sunflower seed butter sandwiches. It is a hard and exhausting battle to face constantly. Add in the slew of foods that Sam is allergic/sensitive too and well...you get the picture. And because of these allergies/sensitivities and preferences, I cannot leave the house without packing food. We cannot travel without tons of food planning. I am tired.
But what makes this particular battle even more unbearable is the complete lack of support and understanding and often even criticism. While I don't expect people to understand unless they live it, this does not detract from how wearing it is to walk alone, sometimes AGAINST the very people who should be supportive. Mostly when we talk of food allergies and eating issues, we are met with blank stares. At times people who don't know us well will question the existence of said allergies and eating issues. But the ones that feel like a slap in the face are those people (who are not strangers or mere aquaintances) who feel the need to question our parenting skills or ignore the many things we have told them that Sam can't eat or be around.
We bear this burden alone, and at the moment I am extra stressed because Sam is currently in a phase of not eating his most healthy meal. In fact, as I write this, he is crying and having a meltdown because I won't let him simply eat chips all day. I am tired, and I am at a loss. Sam is pretty healthy because I do work so hard to keep him that way. But in phases like this I am stressed because I want to keep him that way, but I don't know how to get him to eat healthy foods.
In short, I need your prayers. I don't expect you to understand. But you don't have to understand to be kind and to simply pray that God will give me the wisdom and strategies I so desperately need. You don't have to understand to step back and say, "you are the parents. I trust that you know your child better than I do. I trust that you love your child and only want good things for him. I do not know better than you what he can and should be eating." It's pretty simple really.

What do I believe

One of the saddest things to me is that so many people within a certain community attack others so readily. Parenting communities, medical communities, religious communities, autism family communities...people bashing is everywhere. If you don't agree 100%, you are fair game. This has me reflecting on my stance on autism. I am learning and growing for sure. So my opinions are evolving ones.
But I owe it to Sam to express how truly wonderful I think he is!!! I am all for Autism Acceptence. I think there are some truly amazing people with Autism. That being said, I am not content to just sit back and let him struggle. I (we) will do everything in our power to give him the best life possible. For us at the moment, that means weeding out food allergies/sensitivities. That means taking him to speech and occupational therapists. That means consulting with a compassionate and knowledgeable pediatrician. That means a neurology appointment when the schedule opens up. It does not mean that I think he is anything but wonderful!! Autism does make things more difficult for him. My motivation for everything is to improve his quality of life. I want him to know that he is not a burden; he does not need to be fixed. He is a treasure, and a little extra help may make his life a bit easier!

Somewhere in the middle

The latest "life project". It was worth it for the fresh eggs and because Sam LOVES the chickens!

Seasons come and go. Some are definitely more difficult than others. While some breeze by too quickly. I feel that we are somewhere in the middle, bogged down by everyday happenings that seem to steal my energy and sometimes my joy.
It's true that adding a child doesn't just add a little work, it multiplies the workload. Add a special needs child into the mix and it is exponentially greater. To complicate matters, our closest family members live 4+ hours away. We moved a little over a year ago (completely a God thing), but now I have zero friends. I am slowly getting to know a few people from church, but we live so far away that it complicates and slows that process. My days consist of caring for two completely dependent children all day everyday. Taking care of both our boys is what I imagine having twins to be like, except that one of the twins grows and develops more slowly and also weighs a lot more (this makes carrying him more exhausting). Zack has had quite a few extra life projects to complete lately. They have to get done. I am thankful that he can do them. But this means that breaks for me are non-existent. Zack is a phenomenal husband and father. He plays a very active role in our family and loves us all so well. I can't imagine I would be sane at this point without him. But because life has demanded more of his time lately, I feel that my exhaustion is growing faster than I can combat. I have heard it said that the hardest part of being a special needs parent is the lack of support. I find that to be absolutely true. In our case, we have some fantastic family members. The distance just can not be helped. I doubt that we could find the level of care we have found for Sam anywhere near our families. Making friends takes time. Even when we had friends in our old town, their lives were so consumed with other things (good things like fostering, having twins while being in graduate school, starting new jobs, etc.). Community is just so difficult to find. There is no easy answer to the place we find ourselves. Some days I don't know how I will make it, but a few things I do know: 1. God is our sustainer. 2. Both of our boys are so undeniably worth it! 3. Both of these boys are such gifts. I am thankful everyday that God gave them to us. 4. Hard does not mean that I regret it. It does not mean that it isn't worth it. It does not mean that I would change anything. It just means it is hard. 5. Honesty is not complaint. It is not weakness. It is just honesty.

In My Weakness

Sometimes you just have to splash in the puddles.

I haven't posted in a while. I am trying to get a new, more focused blog up and running. It's taking a while and I need some writing therapy. So, here I am again, raw...
Sam is doing really well in therapy. He loves his two speech therapists. He has recently started seeing an occupational therapist as well. He sees him one day a week, and I think he really likes him also. Words are beginning to work their way out of his mouth. He has started problem solving like crazy! We are thankful!
But like all Autism families I know of, we have our ups and our downs, our good days and bad, high seasons and low seasons.
Today was tending toward the lower. Sam was volatile this morning; this isn't uncommon especially when he has tummy issues. He didn't engage well at therapy. And we started talking about strategies to implement at home. The therapy practice we use is wonderful in that it is whole family focused. The therapists are kind and not at all condescending. BUT I know my weaknesses and they are in the areas we discussed this morning. I am not a natural at engaging with the world around me. I am an introspective introvert. My family still talks about how good I was at playing by myself as a child. I don't typically talk a lot. I don't excel at making up games to draw kids in. All of my imagination takes place inside my head. The energy it takes to get any of that out of my mouth is far more than I can describe. But these are the things Sam needs. And these things rest squarely on my shoulders. And I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I do not in any way, shape, or form blame Sam for any of this. I love him fiercely. If anything, I blame myself. This isn't a healthy perspective, but it happens. I also know that I am a good mother with many strengths, but I feel as though I am going to fail him. He deserves more. While I know this isn't true, it is sometimes hard to ignore. I am speaking from my place of weakness here. I am speaking truth about my feelings. Please don't share your platitudes with me. I will come through because I trust in Christ alone. In my weakness, He is shown strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."